Paid Parking: The Profit Growth Plan Mailbag
Did you know that MGM Resorts International has a blog? It is called "Momentum" and its primary focus is employee communications. Since most MGM staffers don't have or require network access to do their jobs, MGM puts this stuff on the internet, instead of the intranet. The good news is that the rest of us get to read the rah!rah!rah! goooooooOOO TEAM!! PR fluff they are blasting at their employees.
I've seen my fair share of stick-up-the-ass employee communication snow jobs come roaring down the corporate turdpyke during my prison sentence in corporate America, but this shit right here takes the motherfucking cake. Actually, all of the cakes. This one too. It even snatches the Bananas Foster, the $64 Veal Parm and three slices of prosciutto, give or take.
In one of the latest MGM Resorts International Momentum postings, they open up the "Profit Growth Plan Mailbag" and (insert needle scratching vinyl lp sound effect).
The Profit Growth Plan is MGM's way to squeeze more juice out their lemons via cost savings, adding more fees to customer services and homogenizing property offerings like soaps and linens and... starting to charge for parking.
Yes. The company employee communications blog has a "Profit Growth Plan Mailbag." Not just any old mailbag, but a branded "Profit Growth Plan Mailbag." They even made some schweet fucking clip art! In the goddamn Ellen show font! Check this shit out!
I think I may have pee- no... I did. I did it. I just peed in my pants. Dammnit, Jim!
Murren's PR department paid one of their employees to spend an hour or two hunched over Adobe Illustrator drawing that. They probably held meetings to discuss multiple options for the mailbag logo, followed by another meeting to make tweaks to the colors and then another meeting to swap out Papyrus for the Ellen font. Why? Because they have a budget. Too much budget. (I have a lot of thoughts about MGM's PR department, some of which you can read in the last (and long) comment I wrote to this post, the one after the one about the blowjob.)
The first question - no, not the second question, or the last question, but the very first question - is about paid parking and comes from Scott comma Bellagio who asks:
Q: It seems that when I vacation anywhere outside Las Vegas, I pay a premium for parking. Perhaps we could begin charging for parking at our properties? – Scott, Bellagio
Did MGM PR just pin the forthcoming parking fiasco on Scott comma Bellagio? I wonder how many guys named Scott work at Bellagio? Do you think he wears a name tag?
Not naming this "employee" Chuck comma Circus Circus is a missed opportunity. All jokes aside, no rank and file employee would advocate the idea of making everybody pay for self parking. Locals are the primary users of casino parking garages. I think you'd be hard pressed to find any Las Vegan (who isn't part of the MGM brain trust) who would advocate for the concept of paid parking. None. Zero. Nada. Squadoosh.
And here is the answer, straight from the "Profit Growth Plan Mailman" - aka the MGM PR department:
A: This issue was first discussed following the announcement of the new arena, when many wondered how our Company would handle the influx of traffic to the area. The arena is actually being built behind New York-New York in large part because of the surrounding infrastructure, including thousands of underutilized parking spaces in Company-owned parking garages (NYNY, Monte Carlo, ARIA, Excalibur, Bellagio, MGM Grand, and elsewhere). Whether or not our Company will charge for parking is still to be determined. As Chairman Jim Murren noted in a CEO Space last week, the Company’s leadership team is currently evaluating parking solutions and will know more in coming months.
This is mostly true. MGM is currently evaluating parking. But what does the author mean by the word "solutions"??? Isn't the self-aggrandizing statement that their "arena is actually being built behind New York-New York in large part because of the surrounding infrastructure, including thousands of underutilized parking spaces" in itself the solution?
And how does charging $5 to park solve this non-problem that company's PR office purports to have already been solved by the MGM brain trust when they chose the location of the arena? It does nothing. MGM is using their poorly thought out arena parking situation as trojan horse in the Profit Growth Plan war.
When given the green light to swing away at a high hanging meatball they slow pitched to themselves, the great, powerful, and insanely budgeted MGM PR machine not only took three cuts and whiffed, they clubbed the shit out of every employee at Bellagio whose name happens to be Scott. Signed, sealed and delivered.
Big thanks to Mr. Giggles for the tip.
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