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Chandelier Bar: Your Libation, Deflation Station

By Misnomer on Friday, 10th May 2013 3:04pm
  » filed under Las Vegas  comments: 23


Cosmo Verbena

My wife, the Estimable @MrsMisnomer, and I recently returned from another trip to fabulous Las Vegas. Whilst there, we imbibed a number of times at Cosmopolitan's Chandelier Bar, winner of the 2013 Trippies Award for Best Bar. In addition to a laid-back vibe and lovely crystal surroundings, the bar offers a selection of unique libations, and it has become a favorite of ours.

One Saturday evening, before heading out to a show, we went up to the 1.5 level of the Chandelier and sat at the bar. We were greeted by the hottest bartender I have ever seen in my entire life. Not hot by St. Louis standards - hot by Las Vegas standards. After taking our drink order (two Fire Breathing Dragons, please!), this gorgeous young woman engaged us in small talk, leading off with the time-honored, "So where are you from?" Between chews of the liquid nitrogen-frozen raspberries that garnish the Fire Breathing Dragon cocktail, Mrs. Misnomer and I simultaneously blurted out, "St. Louis," our words punctuated by plumes of white "smoke" reminiscent of a tire fire in the Gateway City.

"Really?" said the World's Most Ridiculously Good-Looking Bartender. "I'm from a small town nearby called..." And as it turned out, the sexiest person to ever serve fermented beverages was from one town over from the St. Louis suburb where we live. We developed an instant rapport. For the next hour, my wife and I sat talking to the foxiest mixologist to ever muddle a berry. We laughed about shared experiences. She asked if her favorite strip mall Chinese restaurant was still around "back home". We joked about the dive bar on Main Street. We were totally engaged in conversation. Other customers were ignored. Scowling cocktail waitresses stood at the bar rail, impatiently awaiting the fulfillment of their drink orders. No matter. The Drink Goddess poured us fresh Verbenas and told my wife and I how, after college, she needed to experience the world before starting her career in earnest, and she decided to come to Las Vegas because it offered excitement and adventure.

Now, if at this point in the evening thought balloons had appeared over our heads, they would have read thusly:

Mrs. Misnomer:

Good for her! I think it's empowering when a woman feels unencumbered by societal expectations. After all, if a man took a sabbatical to "find himself" we'd think nothing of it. I'm certain that, when she feels the time is right, she will be very successful in whatever endeavor she elects to pursue.


Dear God, if you can hear me, on Monday morning I will adopt a blind orphan child if you somehow let this night end in a three-way. Amen.

So, having said my prayer, I reached into my glass, plucked the Szechuan Button from the top of the ice, and flipped it into my mouth. These little flower buds cause your mouth to tingle when chewed. Such fun we were having! I let my mind wander. How does this work, exactly? I guess we just give her our room key? We're probably going to need more towels. I think I'll leave my shirt on.

Outside of my brain, our delightful banter with the Mixin' Vixen continued. "Do you have kids?" she asked. Yes, we replied. And that's when it all came crashing down. "Oh!" she said, excitedly, "What are their names? MAYBE I KNOW THEM." Emphasis added. See. Because she thought we were 68 years old, see. The hottest bartender ever thought we were old enough to be her parents. I do have kids - they're 9 and 3 - but the hot bartender thinks they're 27. See. Because she thinks I'm sixty-fucking-eight years old. Call downstairs and cancel the damn towels! My mouth stopped tingling. Other parts of me stopped tingling.

Because the hottest bartender I've ever seen had a thought bubble that read:

I wonder if he knows Chuck Berry? This dipshit better leave a decent tip.

Tagged: misnomer   


Comments & Discussion:


I have never laughed this hard on VT. Encore! Encore! (not the Steve-o kind)

Once again I'm laughing out loud in my cube like an idiot.

This is not only the best thing I have ever read, it also doesn't happen to me approximately 16 times a week.

Also, shouldn't this have been titled "CAUTION: Misnomer wrote this. Chandelier Bar: Your Libation, Deflation Station"

Give the readers what they want!

You, my friend, are funny.

Hah,ha,ha,hah. Does @MrsMisnomer read your genius writings? Does she appreciate you?

Holy shit. Hilarious.

My hopes were raised for and then dashed. Nicely done.

Welcome to my world-it gets worse. Wait until you hit 50, (or 52 in my case) and start thanking your higher power just to wake up alive every morning. With the shit my body has ingested, I was happy to see 40...

Misnomer-THIS is the kind of content that made me love reading this site in the first place. I also love the Chandelier and this is a great, hilarious take on an experience that any guy that has been to the Chandelier has had. As BigHoss said. "You, my friend, are funny."

Quite hilarious sir.

You should have ordered the asshole rimmed martini

Where's that Price is Right failure sound when you need it?

My flight to Vegas leaves in exactly 7 days, giving me just enough time to learn everything I need to know about a certain suburb of St. Louis.

(Thanks for the great belly laugh. Funniest thing I've read so far today.)

I'm going to bookmark this article on my phone and show it to the bartender next week..... ;)

I hope that this article is funny enough for Misnomer's critics.....

I would assume that just about all of us here have has similar experiences over the years, and it always sucks regardless of what age you are. In Vegas it can be an interesting proposition indeed, as that really smoking hot broad giving you the eye isn't looking over at you because she likes your shirt, she's wanting to get a few bills from your wallet. Because guys are such horn dogs, they start thinking with the other head, especially when they've been imbibing for a few hours or more.

One last thing, threesomes are overrated despite what you see in pornos.

Well played, sir. Well played indeed.

I am so headed over to the Cosmo in a few weeks to check out the "Mixin' Vixen." Those drinks sound delicious, too.

Absolutely awesome. How old are you? I am now concerned...

Outstanding as always, it's funny how we perceive things as we hit middle age, 4 years ago I wouldn't have fathomed someone thinking I was too old for something.

On a side note, while not the hottest women in the world, I'll have to share my almost 3some story with you sometime during some vp and drinking, I found copious amounts of tequiloa to the wife helps get her thinking about it.

Thank you all for laughing at my tale of misfortune and sexual frustration. I promise you, there are many more where this one came from! Sincerely, Methuselah.

Misnomer, would that I could, just once, share something that so many readers of VT can relate to in such gut-busting fashion. In 40+ trips to Vegas, the adventures have been many and epic, but your gift as a wordsmith leaves me laughing and jealous at the same time. Luckily my assistant is also a Vegas-phile and doesnt mind when share your words of wisdom.
Thank you
the roller
P.S. I am 42, and as of this comment posting 5/14/13 11:32 CST, my 21 year old daughter ( we started early ) is in labor with my grandson. So should this situation present itself in August when we are back out there, I'm sure Mrs. Roller will be beside herself with joy to show the Ferrari 458 Spider of mixologists picture of young Abel and ruin it for me too.

Totally can't relate, but I am an empathetic person and I am very sorry about this unfortunate situation.

awesome. well, not awesome, but you know.

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