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Forever Gonzo: Other Things To Take To Las Vegas In A Salt Shaker

By Misnomer on Wednesday, 18th July 2012 12:33am
  » filed under Las Vegas  comments: 4

   

Forever Gonzo: Hunter S. Thompson 75th Birthday Celebration

We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers... and also a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether and two dozen amyls." - Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

You have to admire Dr. Gonzo's ingenuity when it comes to that bit about the salt shaker. A small, easy to carry vessel with a perforated top for quick and measured dispensing could be used for all manner of useful things. Here I explore other things one might bring to Las Vegas in a salt shaker.

Talcum - It's been noted that the average tourist spends 4 hours per day walking the Strip, and up to seven times that if he somehow gets stuck in Crystals. That's a lot of walking! Walking invariably leads to chaffing. Chaffing is avoidable with a little talcum. Have you no talcum? Borrow some from Malcolm!

Comet - Do you know what the seventh most often registered complaint about Las Vegas is on Trip Advisor behind taxi tunneling and the lack of in-room coffee makers and the price of slushy drinks and the line at the Casino Royale Outback Steakhouse and the time the Orleans ran out of free carnival beads and Tix4Tonight being sold out of Defending the Caveman tickets? It's some variant of a "black tub grout" rant. Trip Advisors hate black tub grout. They should bring along a little Comet cleanser in a salt shaker, and learn to relax.

Sawdust - Do you get nostalgic for the good old days of the sawdust joints, before the casinos got so gosh darned highfalutin with their patterned carpeting and mosaic tile floors? Time was a man could tie his horse right to a blackjack table, and if he relieved himself, everyone had a good laugh, kicked some sawdust on it, and went on about their business. Heck, even the horse was permitted to go on the floor. Now you can relive that bygone era with a salt shaker full of sawdust. Sprinkle some around on the floor in the baccarat room the next time you're at Wynn. Steve loves history!

Glitter - There's no end to what you can do with a salt shaker full of glitter in Las Vegas. Sprinkle it on your face, and you're ready for the next Electric Daisy Carnival! Sprinkle "pixie dust" on the roulette wheel when you need a big number to come in! Make your 3:00 a.m. omelet look like a disco ball!

Cremated relatives - Upon my passing (probably from glitter poisoning), my wife is under orders to have me cremated and sprinkle my ashes all around Las Vegas. Some in the Bellagio fountains, some from the top of the Stratosphere, some in the banana pudding at the MGM Grand buffet.

I hope you enjoyed this tribute to Dr. Gonzo. I was super high when I wrote it.



Tagged: forever gonzo   misnomer   





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Comments & Discussion:

If you're going to spread ashes in the Bellagio fountains, I suggest 5am. Do I speak from personal experience. Yes. Did I get caught? No. Are the memories worth it, fuck yes.

I was high reading it! I'll opt for talcum this weekend.

If the glitter doesn't get you, the Comet on your burgers will.

You better take care of me lord, if you don't you'll have me on your hands. -H.S.T.



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