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Detached Rich People to Hold Ironic Charity Poker Tournament
A group of highly detached rich people will partner with the World Series of Poker to stage a supremely ironic charity poker tournament in Las Vegas, Nevada, on July 1, 2012. Proceeds from the tournament, which features a million dollar buy-in, will benefit the non-governmental charity ONE DROP, an organization committed to supporting access to water in developing nations worldwide.
Among the scheduled participants is Bobby Baldwin, President and CEO of City Center Group, who seemingly has no idea that he lives in the middle of the Mojave Dessert. Said Baldwin*, "When our PR staff came to me and told me I'd be participating in this tournament, I quickly memorized the statement they'd prepared, and discovered that access to water is a big problem in some godforsaken banana republic somewhere halfway around the globe. But you know what? Whatever I can do to help."
Equally oblivious to the fact that Las Vegas itself will run completely out of water in roughly 3,500 days is scheduled tournament participant Daniel Negreanu, a poker professional and valley resident, who offered*, "I feel so blessed to live in a place where water is plentiful! Here in Las Vegas, we have so much water that we build fantastical fountains from it, like the one I can see out of the windows of Bellagio's poker room! But it's not like that in other countries. They don't have poker rooms. Or fountains. And that's where we come in."
Also agreeing to play in the tournament is Treasure Island owner Phil Ruffin, whose dehydrated bones will be reclaimed by the surrounding sands in a mere ten years. Said* Ruffin, "There's a big-assed lake with boats in it outside of my hotel. Boats! Was there when I bought the place. That's just how it is here in Las Vegas, lakes all over the goddamned place. But it's not like that everywhere I guess. So rack 'em and stack 'em, let's play some cards! Yeeeeeeehaaaaaw!"
Johnny Chan, whose last miserable moments on earth will be spent baking in the unmerciful Nevada sun, drinking his own urine, moved to Las Vegas in 1978. Now a multi-millionaire professional poker player, Chan offered* a unique, if completely uninformed, perspective. "I was born in China. Unlike Las Vegas, there are parts of China that have a water problem. In Guangzhou, for instance, the local ministry of commerce will not permit the sale of Fiji bottled water. That could never happen here in Las Vegas. That is why I play - for the people of Guangzhou."
WSOP officials plan to hold the tournament again in 2013, when the benefiting charity will be HEROS FOR GYROS, an organization committed to solving the Mortgage Foreclosure Crisis in Greece.
* DISCLAIMER: While it should be abundantly obvious to anyone with a functioning sense of humor that the preceding article is a work of parody and satire, filled with fictitious quotations attributed to public figures for the purpose of parody (and, you know, comedy), we are also aware than many lawyers don't have functioning senses of humor. Ergo, let it be known to all that none of the above real people actually said any of the fake crap attributed to them hereinabove. Not as funny now, is it? Lawyers. Sheesh.
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Comments & Discussion:
So wait, that last paragraph means none of this is true right? Right? I'm offended already.
Great quotes. I was initially confused because this is a real tournament for charity (assuming they actually hold it next year) with fake quotes attributed to the real participants.
I'm pulling for the Bernie from Weekend at Bernies, err I mean Phil Ruffin.
No confusion. The title says it all!
That, and the byline... ;-)
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