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Hell Is For Children

By Misnomer on Monday, 4th April 2011 2:37pm
  » filed under Las Vegas  comments: 11


Circus Circus Tower

The Tenth Circle of Hell is a roundabout. It is the drop-off point of the St. Ignatius Catholic School, where every morning, highly caffeinated (and in all likelihood, highly Prozac'ed) mommies and daddies throttle their dented Dodge Grand Caravans into position with zero regard for their fellow Christian brothers and sisters. Horns blare, birds are flipped. It is human behavior at its worst.

I know, because I run this gauntlet five days a week. And what makes this Satanic suburban ritual even more hellish is its soundtrack: Sirius XM Radio's "Kid's Place Live". My children insist upon listening to this channel while daddy alternates between flooring the accelerator and standing on the brakes. The station is targeted at grade school children, and it features a perpetual, commercial free stream of happy sing-a-long songs by artists such as Laurie Berkner, whom I suspect is also a shitty driver. There are songs about rainbows, and puppy dogs, and ice cream. But to me, they are all about murder, as I watch an obese mother of an equally fat-faced kid park her Chevy Suburban in the drop-off zone, so that she can hand deliver a box of store-bought cupcakes for junior's homeroom Easter party. Welcome back, Jesus! Just look what you've returned to!

So today, having once again survived the morning drop-off, I returned home to find in my inbox, the Kids Place Live Circus Circus Promotion. The prize in this ill conceived contest is a 3 day, 2 night "family getaway" to Circus Circus in Fabulous Las Vegas, NV. That's right, Kids Place Live wants to send you and your children to Dr. Gonzo's Mescaline-Go-Round to watch two women fuck a polar bear. Now that's fun for the whole family!

I am completely convinced that the people who run Kids Place Live do not have children. I am certain that they have never been to Las Vegas. On the other hand, it is possible that the channel is run by Beelzebub himself. If you enter and win the Kids Place Live Circus Circus contest, it is my sincerest hope that the Circus Circus clown comes to life, disembowels you, and eats your entrails in front of your children.

Hell. Hell Is For Children


Comments & Discussion:

Disappointed you're not a Laurie Berkner fan--would have thought you'd be rocking out to "Rocketship Run." I know I do.

And "Five Days Old" is pretty awesome.

Circus Circus is actually improved on quality over Excalibur. Two nights there is enough time for kids to do the amusement park, without being there so long as to get bored. So what's wrong with this?

P.S. "Fabulous Las Vegas, NV" actually should be "Fabulous Winchester, NV." xoxo

I have one question for you Misnomer - Do you like Randy Kaplan?

@missmonkay I'll be honest, I am unfamiliar with Mr. Kaplan's work. Recommended? I like Jonathan Coulton. He does some stuff for kids, in between stuff for grown ups (or whatever it is I'm supposed to be).

I have one question for you Misnomer - Do you like Gabe Kaplan?

Um, I had one of those Kaplan SAT Prep workbooks a long time ago?

personally, i would just give the kids a reality check and switch over to Opie & Anthony one morning (XM202). it'll help them learn some new words for the playground.

So I'm going to take it that you're not a fan of the Kidz Bop collection either??
Todays top club hits edited, cut, and dubbed by 10 year olds

A brilliant piece of writing, accompanied by a perfectly creepy shot of hell itself. Imagine a 4 hour drive across the desert, listening to an endless stream of Kids Place Live, knowing that the only thing waiting at the end of the ride is a Manor Room at the Clown House. It makes you wonder what second prize must be: 4 nights at Circus Circus, perhaps?

Just what the kiddies need, an early introduction to tight slots, lose women, free booze and a complimentary case of lung cancer from standing in a building soaked 30+ years of carcinogens. Bring the whole family! *cough cough HACK*

Yes, my personal hell is Kidz Bop, I was able to solve this problem though by giving the daughter my old ipod shuffle and loading with those atrocities. Now I just have to hear her off tune singing, but at 5 it's still cute, and I can just turn up what I'm listening too.

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