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Slap Me

By BlackHillsBoozeHound on Wednesday, 3rd March 2010 11:53pm
  » filed under Las Vegas  comments: 8


In all of my world travels (presupposing as I do that those other six continents are merely fabrications on some Hollywood lot), there's one thing that I find in Las Vegas that I've found noplace else. Something that really fills me with joy, and makes me stop and think about where I am. Great as they are, it's not the games, buffets, nor free drinks. It's not the Bellagio fountains. It's not the Luxor pyramid, even in its former days of glory. It's sure the hell not the Sirens of TI - reference earlier use of the word "joy." It's not even the entire Fremont Street Experience.

You guessed it: it's the pornslappers.

There has only been one other sight on the Strip that has ever made me happier, and that was a hard act to beat. Just down the block from Planet Hollywood, serendipity graced us with a morbidly obese clown in a wheelchair. Who was flamboyantly gay. And selling ballon animals, inasmuch as a phallus is an "animal" - I know mine sure is. This guy was being a hell of a lot of stereotypes at once; he was the motherfucking Bob Dylan of clownery, and I will buy a balloon "animal" hat from him every time I see him (he did say that my woman wants to see me in latex).

But back to pornlappers. While I'm no porn surfer (I'm over 40, what the hell would I be doing with testosterone?), and don't frequent strip clubs, I am a huge advocate and supporter of the First Amendment. These fine men who brave the elements in their neon shirts, yelling phrases they have no idea what they mean (I have three witnesses who will back me up on both the phrases "chicks with dicks" and "donkey show," blatent false advertising which will someday disappoint some poor aficianado) are the people who are doing the most protesting to uphold our First Amendment rights. They're doing it every day, and let's face it, for probably less than minimum wage, because I have a sneaking suspicion that a few of those workers may not be documented. And while in another context I might be anal about that, both the Libertarian and the hedonist in me can agree that the notion of having one state in our fine union upholding few laws other than the basics just makes sense.

The biggest argument against pornslappers is one I wholeheartedly support: children should not be exposed to this sort of thing. In fact, children should not be exposed to Las Vegas at all. Leave them at home.

I respect these soldiers of our civil liberties to the extent that I inteded to get some baseball-card holders and start a collection. I remain convinced that this would be a statement of our social times and could be passed down to a generation who could see the value in selling it off for a wad of cold, hard cash on whatever passes for eBay in the Jetsonian era. However, Kung Fu April does not. And as such, some poor industrious money-grubbing BoozeCottage of the future misses out on a small fortune.

The next time you're walking the Strip, pick out the cleanest-looking of the pornslappers and give him a big hug. And tell him El Boozehouse sent you.



Comments & Discussion:

Witness #1 here to chicks with dicks and donkey show.

Witness #2. :)

You do have a point about leaving your kids home, and not taking them to Vegas. But this past summer My wife and I had no choice but to take my daughter with us for a trip. I was walking with her on the Strip in the middle of the afternoon, and I saw a bunch of them up ahead. I picked her up and tried to get her to look in the other direction, but when the porn slappers saw us coming, every one of them (about 5 in this group) put everything they were giving out behind their backs, did the best they could to cover them up, and didn't say a word until I walked by with her. So, at least this group did what they could to keep it away from a child.

Kinky Kelly?
Where's Kelly?
I'm Kelly!!!

Ooo Cake!!

(Sorry, had to ref the Clerks 2 scene)

You forgot "I miss my donkey"......

While the pornslappers are a unique and surreal thing, they definitely don't beat the sign carrying Jesus freak guy(s) that walk up and down Fremont Street.

I remember when I was out there in 2007 over Thanksgiving Weekend, there was a guy in a clergy outfit standing outside of Casino Royale collecting for charity (I'm assuming Charity was not some girl that works at Olympic Gardens.). Even more surreal was right outside of the Imperial Palace walkway next to O'Sheas, the Salvation Army had one of their bell ringers and buckets set up.

PSA: If you are easily or moderately offended, please do not read. You have been warned. Thank you.

That walkway must be magical - a couple years ago, during the trip that Kung Fu April and I discovered that Caesar's Palace serves up the worst bloody mary in the woild, I saw a midget in a wheelchair with no arms, just hands attached right to the shoulders. He had a bucket; I woulda gave, but jeez, how do you put a price tag on not being able to rub one out?

I agree, kids don't really belong at chicks with dicks and donkey shows, although you could probably hire one of those pornslappers to babysit them in your room while you're gone.

The clown was a bit much, the lisp, the outfit, the balloons, the wheelchair?, mixed with my buzz, took me a few to believe what I was seeing. Ive got an image of him with my wife, its quite hilarious, with her penis balloon hat on, cheapest entertainment of the weekend. I think If I remember right we gave him $5 as long as he was willing to say "homie dont play that" on video to show our buddies back home.

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