Fuckin Vegas Feet, man. You know what I'm talking about - even if you're familiar with the Strip and should know better, you head off walking for a place because, due to insidious architecture design, it looks so close. You think to yourself, "Hell yeah, maybe a stop for a quick drink along the way, I can make that, no problem." Four drinks and six blisters later, you arrive at your destination. In about an hour your feet start to ache. The following day, your dogs aren't just barking, they're snarling, likewise your calves, thighs, and a plethora of other muscles you haven't used since your last Las Vegas misadventure.
I assure you, being built like a fat John Goodman only compounds this situation.
I'm too germophobic to do buses and shuttles, generally too cheap for cabs, and have not quite yet reached the point of needing to see Clark County's temporary wards first-hand by risking a DUI in a rental car. So that pretty much leaves the Monorail (which for some reason seems cleaner than your typical bus or shuttle, perhaps it's just an illusion brought on by the elevation) and The Shoe-Leather Express. Even if you're just wandering around your home-base casino, you're still putting on a lot of extra mileage, especially if you're staying at the MGM Grand. It can be a three-day pilgrimage just to get to your room to drop off your luggage.
I won't tell you to buy comfortable shoes and line them with some manner of Dr. Scholl's product so you can be gellin' like a felon. You've already got that covered. I wanna talk to you about bananas.
Potassium is excellent for sore muscles thanks to some manner of science I stand no hope of understanding, and just as the Strip is loaded with bad video poker paytables, so are bananas rich sources of potassium. Thanks to hippies and trophy wives, buffets are generally well-stocked with all manner of healthy bullshit, including bananas. And since you're already at the buffet, might as well grab one (and, what the hell, an extra for later, too). The added benefit is that bananas also contain an assload of fiber, which will make you feel full faster, and you may go home from the trip only having gained five pounds instead of seven.
Of course, you don't want to stake your entire claim on a fruit that nobody fully trusts. A nurse friend recommends a couple of ibuprofen just before bed after doing any strenuous activity to which you are unaccustomed; this tends to help keep hangovers at bay, too. You're paying the resort fees anyway, go soak your tootsies in the hot tub. And then, on the way back to your room, shell out the $23 for a nice cold bottle of water from the gift shop, and once you're back in your room (or not, no judgments), roll the bottle back and forth on the bottoms of your feet.
There are all manner of ministrations and balms you can pick up to treat the feet. My better half found some sort of peppermint foot lotion in The Forum Shops at Caesars that worked quite well; I didn't see which store it was in which she purchased it, as I was distracted by counting the number of people leaving Fat Tuesday with big sugary drinks and what had to have been fake IDs. But suffice to say, the store was by Fat Tuesday, and as I recall, the merchandise came in a bag that I wanted no part of (pink polka dots or some such).
We never leave for a trip without a couple sheets of moleskin in our bags. It's inexpensive, effective, and can be cut to any size. It has helped to ward off countless blisters.
I'd love to see some of your own tips posted below so as to add them to our own arsenal. And if you leave this piece remembering but one tip, let it be bananas. If anyone in the buffet line looks at you funny, glare at them menacingly, and tell 'em Boozehouse sent ya.
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