Chips, Charms, Flops, Flushes, Blinds, Bad-Beats, Binions and Bar Girls

Gordonius of Gordonian's Guide To Good Poker

Posted by Gordonius of Gordonian

Some non-smokers use their fans to blow smokers smoke back at them but it’s more fun if you smoke and blow your own smoke in the direction of the non-smokers. World-class professional Surinder Sunar , always full of bright ideas, has killed two birds with one stone by having a fan as his lucky charm. This affords him more table space in which to stack up his winnings. I forgot to mention it. Your lucky charms will not work for you if you keep them in your pocket. You must put them on the table. Some players look like they are preparing to set off on a trip across Greenland such is the array of hardware they put on the table in front of them. Two packs of Marlboro cigarettes, three lucky charms, a fan, a packet of cough drops, a cheeseburger, their car keys and a copy of The Racing Post is a fairly typical collection. The more hardware they have the more essential it is that they lose. If they win they have no space for their chips. There is nothing more perplexing than having to decide which lucky charm to remove from the table to make space for a stack of chips. After all, you never know which charm was responsible for your good fortune.

But now you are sitting at the table ready to play. Not quite. You must learn to riffle chips before you are considered a capable player. The dexterity with which you can riffle chips is a true sign of how good a player you are. No-one ever bluffs at this. No-one would dream of pretending to be a clumsy fool and spill chips all over the table. That would certainly be considered cheating. In any case it is something no right-thinking person would ever do. No Christian anyway. So you have to sit at home and learn to take a stack of four chips and with one hand cut them into two stacks and then replace them into one stack, each chip going between two from the other stack. Of course four chips is the minimum allowed. Players with big hands and years of experience can riffle fourteen chips – or 28 if they do a stack in each hand.

Now you’re pretty much ready to go. You have your smart pants, your hat bearing the logo of Binion’s Horseshoe, your gun, your lucky charms, your fan, a stack of chips and sundry other accoutrements. Hmmm, something is not right. Something is missing. Ah yes, your drink ! As if by magic a cocktail waitress appears at your side, chewing gum and looking bored and beautiful . “Cocktails” she says, to noone in particular. There is a clamouring and shouting for about three minutes and the cocktail waitress disappears, oblivious to your muttered, “Miss, miss”. Never mind, she’ll soon be back with the drinks for the other players. Sure enough, in a few minutes she returns with a tray laden with more drinks than it is possible to put on the tray. She distributes the drinks deftly, each player getting exactly what he or she ordered. Tips of a few dollars tumble onto her tray and she thanks everyone profusely. Now is your chance. “Miss, miss”, you say assertively, “can I have a Miller Light please.” She looks at you as if you were something that she had found under a stone in the woods. “I was just here sir, why didn’t you order with the others”, she asks accusingly. “I did order, you didn’t hear me” you say defensively. “Well fuck you mister” she screams, “now it’s my fucking fault”. She drops the tray shouting, “fucking poker players. I’ve had it with poker players. I’m outa here” and storms off , probably never to be seen again.

The other players look at you and one old-timer shakes his head. “That was a big mistake son, you just pissed off the best waitress in this dump.” Another pipes in with, ”yeah, you were a bit hard on her man”. “Hard ? I only asked for a drink”, you say, a touch of anger in your voice. “Hey man, keep cool, this is a kinda friendly game. We don’t like trouble-makers around here”, says yet another player.

You pick up your chips and leave. You know when you are beaten.

You cross the street to another casino but not to play. You really need a drink now.
At the bar you see the waitress who just killed your still-born career as a poker player.
Before you can avoid her eyes she spots you.
She smiles and says, “I was out of order in there. Sorry. Can I buy you a drink” You look at the smile, the breasts, the legs, the ass and smile back. “Why not. Poker sucks anyway”.

See, that’s the thing about poker. You can never be quite sure when you’re winning or when you’re losing

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