Chips, Charms, Flops, Flushes, Blinds, Bad-Beats, Binions and Bar Girls

Gordonius of Gordonian's Guide To Good Poker

Posted by Gordonius of Gordonian

[ Editors Note: special thanks to our friends at eBong.org and Gordonius of Gordonion for sharing this great article with us. We hope you enjoy it! ]

It seems that poker is IN.

Of course the game has been around for a couple of hundred years but only recently, probably as a result of televised tournaments and the advent of internet ďpokerĒ, has it become popular with the full spectrum of the public.

Because of this I am going to give you a super-fast poker course, so that you too can stand at the bar and talk knowledgably about flops and flushes, blinds and bad-beats.

Before you take part in any game or sport the most important thing to do after buying the necessary shoes, slacks, T-shirts, caps, clubs, balls, skis, 900 horse-power engines, saddles, snorkels, gloves or whatever else the sport demands, is to learn the rules.

In poker this is easy. There are no official rules of poker. Despite the tremendous growth in popularity of the game and millions of dollars changing hands, there are still no rules for poker. The normal procedure is to play the game without rules and in the event of a dispute arising the person who can shout loudest wins the pot. Sometimes a casino floorman will stand around the table fussing and puffing and try to look like he knows what to do, but he never does know what to do.

So, while getting kitted out with the latest in poker slacks and stuff you would do well to add to your shopping list an automatic hand-gun. It doesnít have to be a Magnum, just something that will maim at close range. There is nothing quite as effective as a 7mm piece of lead searing through a kneecap for convincing someone that your hand is better than theirs.

Donít spend all your money on fancy accessories, important though they are. Keep some cash in reserve for the game. The game is played with money. Real money. Conventional wisdom suggests that you should never play poker with money you canít afford to lose.

As usual, conventional wisdom is a load of bullshit. Poker can only be fully enjoyed if you are playing with the money your wife laid aside for that once-in-a-lifetime vacation in Antigua she has dreamed of for the past ten years. Of course you may deviate from this as you see fit. Some people prefer to play with the money their employer instructed them to pay into the bank. Others use the funds from the local tennis club of which they are treasurer. Playing with the rent money is considered low-class, most players get beyond that by the time they are twenty. Itís not that people would accuse you of cheating, but many of your fellow players would wonder how you manage to still have the rent money. Werenít you playing last night ?

The next important thing to have is a set of lucky charms. There is nothing will strike fear into your opponents hearts as much as a small ceramic mouse or a chip from a casino in Tibet. Itís important to have several lucky charms Ė just in case one isnít working that day. Then you need a fan. No, not a supporter, a small fan for blowing smoke at people.



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