Poker Mania : Do You Have The Nuts?

Poker, and the ever growing army of poker dorks, are everywhere

Posted by Chuckmonster

Have you got the nuts to play poker?

So I created a profile - "vtdotcom" - logged in, found the poker section, loaded up a "Play Money" table and watched without sitting in. At unbelievable speeds, all manner of chips, miniature cards and thought balloons were flying around the table with every flop, turn and river. "Bet" "Call" "Raise" "Fold" "Call". Ten culturally diverse illustrations represented this table of "poker players" who's names were "Dave-xxx" (a pornstar?) and "Flush_Chaser" (a plumber?) and "Gen. Disarray" (a military man?). Hands were being played at lightning speed, hundreds of dollars of Play Money exchanging hands at such a rapid pace that it made me so nervous I had to turn off my computer and get away from it. A few days later, I returned again armed with wits and a small "research" bankroll of $50 given to me by VegasTripping's bean counters. I logged into "My Account", typed in my financials and amount to deposit, clicked submit. DENIED... The big red letters splashed accross the screen said "Some credit card companies will not allow you to use your card for online gaming websites, please try one of the alternate methods below." Oh ok... so the bank says that I'm not allowed to access the money in the bank account that bears my name because they... don't approve of gambling? They never stopped me at the CasinoCash ATM machines before! Bastards! So the "alternate route" is to sign up for a PayPal type of interstitial - you transfer the cash from your account to your "3rd party" account. These 3rd parties charge no set up fee, but do charge an additional 8.9% of what you transfer... yes folks, for every benjamin you cycle through it, you give them $8.90 - all because your bank dosen't trust you. They asked me how old my dad and brother are (they already knew their first names) what county is the zip code I grew up at in, what my mothers maiden name is and what position my cousin played in college baseball. That is some seriously spooky big brother shit, y'all. The other interesting thing is that when you transfer the money to the 3rd party company, they actually call you on the phone to verify that you are who you say you are. The delicate female voice had a Indian accent (Bangalore, India is the global capital of switchboard operators) she asked me a handful of questions then politely told me that my account was active and the funds were transferred.

I logged back into my account, transferred $50 from my 3rd party bank raker and I was ready to play online poker for real money. I'm half excited and half nauseous. I suck at poker, really now. Why am I even wasting my time doing this? Seriously? When it comes to wagering, I really like to know the game. I'm pretty much asking to get tarred and feathered like an extra crispy version of the San Diego Chicken. Do I really wanna go head to head with some unknown poker sharks with real cashola - particularly when all of whom are probably not wearing pants? Naw... I don't. Click, click... Tournaments!... click... $5 buy in plus .50 cents for the house, 1500 chips, maximum 1000 entries, currently 215, top 20 get paid... starts in 3 minutes. Shit fire! I ran to the bathroom and took a piss, grabbed a frosty cold drink and some protein in the form of Doritos then rushed back to the computer with 2 minutes to spare. I clicked "Register Now" - a dialog box popped up saying "Are you sure you would like to register?" YES. I'm in it to fucking win it folks. The Chuckmonster is here... freshly drained of wizz and currently reloading courtesy of Pabst Blue Ribbon. I truly feel like "all that" - and a bag of chips. You KNOW i'm gonna win this thing... or at least come in the money. As the minutes and seconds tick by I had a rash of second guessing, I clicked the "unregister" button in a fit and stood up from the computer... scratching my doo. "Are you sure you want to Unregister?" NO. I'm in for keeps this time... just as I breathe a sigh of relief at making the decision a new window automatically pops up on my computer. "Tournament Table - Blinds $10-20 Texas Hold Em (Real Money)" and there I was. Shuffle Up and Deal... FFFFFPPPPPPPT and out came the cards...

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