Fear and Bombing In Las Vegas

Recent news events prove once again that Vegas is 'tha bomb'

Posted by Chuckmonster

Amplified by election year buffonery, recent headlines trumpeted the discovery of some 'found-in-a bad-guys-apartment' tourist vids and instantly pinned it on a probable, not possible Las Vegas terrorist attack theory. These unfocused handycam glances centered on the Emerald City glow of the MGM Grand, the minnaretted Excalibur, the majestic New York-New York and most surprisingly The Glitter Gulch Strip Joint next door to Binions. Billions of words, debates, and accusations later, teleprompter pundicrats chorused Vegas's almost certain demise at the hands of extremist gangsters in four part harmony (CNN, FOX, MSNBC and the networks). Non-revelations scrolled leftward... updated continually. All potential Vegas Trippers pondering with glazed abandon: should I cancel my reservations? Fuck no.

Still the minions of Central Intelligencia echoed :

Al-Quaeda has planned to bomb Vegas! We got the videos to prove it!!!

A less hyperbolic explanation for this might be... "terrorists visited Vegas before plotting some other dastardly deed. The gorged on buffets, lost at blackjack, won at craps, got lap dance (or three), went to see Wayne Newton, stayed at Sahara, blew their bankroll... then left." Really now... if you want to destroy something thats gonna cause real problems, choose better target. Nearby Hoover Dam being the most obvious. Blowing up a coupla papier mache casinos dosen't really monkeywrench the gears of capitalism. Okay, it does a little, but seriously now.

If these evildooerz had actually gone through with a cockamamie Vegas-flattening plan, it would not have been the first time that Vegas has been bombed. In fact 'Vegas' was bombed by the United States Government 126 times between 1952 and 1961, the first being a one kiloton warhead dropped from an airplane on January 27, 1951. As part of an agreement to keep the Feds from sniffing out the casino skim or snuffing out gambling altogether in Vegas. Nevada's upstanding politicians who have parks and airports named after them donated a Rhode Island-sized chunk of desert to the gov'ment to do with as they please. This pleasing parcel become known as the Nevada Test Site. It houses Nellis Air Force base, the future massive radioactive landfill Yucca Mountain, The Los Alamos secret laboratory, pockmarked test ranges Frenchman and Yucca Flats and the mysterious and mythological Area 51 alien landing site. The NTS is also conveniently located near Pahrump, home of legal prostitution in Nevada.

The southern tips of the Nevada Test Site are approximately 80 miles from Las Vegas, close enough so revelers could actually see the blooming mushroom clouds from the Strip. Much like the 1990s carpet joint implosions, the casinos turned these bomb tests into spectacle. Showgirls displayed Mushroom cloud beehive hairdos, Miss Atomic Bomb beauty contests took place, and parties and related hotel promotions were set up to coincide with the testing. Numerous businesses around town renamed their shops based on related imagery (Atomic Liquors on Fremont Street and its radioactive symbols and others still remain.)

Former employees of the Nevada Test Site have gathered together to 'tell their story' within the walls of a museum curated by the Nevada Test Site Historical Foundation. The museum houses many artifacts from the Nevada Test Site including simulated security clearance kiosks, underground tunnels, environmental management technology, and information about future uses for the NTS land mass in the future.

Nevada Test Site Historical Foundation
755 East Flamingo Road
Las Vegas, NV 89119-7363
(702)794.5151

And if that weren't enough to scare the wits out of you... tours of the actual Nevada Test Site are offered once per month and reservations are required (evildoerz need not apply). The tour begins at 7AM in North Las Vegas and lasts all day... a large chunk of it taken up by the drive to and fro the Site. More information on booking a tour for you and your soon-to-be-glowing friends and family can be found here.

So the next time those boogeymen terrorists threaten Sin City, remember what it's already lived through... Hiroshima & Nagasaki at 62x odds. Anybody up for a game of Half-Life?



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